FOR THE MOTHERS WHO FEEL BURNED-OUT

 From the Communication Partners group:

A mother recently sent an important message on the problem of being "burned- out."
She identifies three causes of burn-out. I very much agree with her. And each reason makes me think of related problems and solutions.
1. "When you continue to try the same things and get nowhere."
My comment: Often the things we try are not what our children need to do next. Often we make huge jumps choosing the next developmental steps for our children.
We often, for example, push hard to teach a child to talk, when he doesn't frequently interact or communicate nonverbally enough to make a habit of talking.
What a child needs to do is to interact with people with what he is doing now. It is so easy to want more of a child. But more of what? I find that the child needs more social interaction with whatever behaviors he can do and enjoys doing. So my point here is that the next step for every child is most successful when it is something the child presently can do and enjoys.
We find that the more you and your child interact by taking turns with anything he can do, the more he will progress and you will see what to do next. Sometimes show him one more easy step he can try to do.
2. "Burn- out happens when you don't see progress towards the final goals."
My comment: We find more success when we focus on a "next possible step'" rather than final goals. We often identify final goals without specifying the steps to reach the goals.
The most successful goal for any child is to do what he can do but in interactions with people.
Our goals should not be to make the child performers, but to help him be more interactive.
So when you think of a child's goal, think of your part in it. For example, we do not want a child just to have more language but to talk more with people. Rather than asking "How much language does my child have?" ask, "How is my child communicating with people?"
Far too many children may have hundreds even thousands of words but rarely communicate with people. Remember the goal for every child is more communication not just more language.
3. "Burn -out also happens when you have achieved something and it doesn't stick or you see a regression."
My comment: I have known too many parents who get "burned-out" when they are expecting impossible gains. For example, Linda pushed hard for Jon to talk. He made sounds but rarely interacted with others except to get his needs met. And Linda thought she had to be Jon's direct teacher, requiring him to say words. She did not realize that actions and sounds come before words and so she was beginning to burn-out and stop trying.
The problem was that Linda was pushing Jon to do impossible things and, especially, things that Jon did not enjoy. Once Linda began just having fun back and forth with Jon, he interacted and learned more.
Linda learned that she was simply trying to get Jon to do the impossible. You and your child will have much more success when you are helping your child DO WHAT IS POSSIBLE AT THE MOMENT.
THE BOTTOM LINE
A common problem is that we too often try to teach things the child is not ready for, and that he has PRACTICAL USE FOR. Then we say that both the adult and child have failed when the problem was that we were trying to do developmentally impossible things.
We know too many children who can name many pictures and ask for something but do not really communicate much.
Jon was not talking and his mother thought she should directly teach him words. The fact was that the child did not fail; the problem was that she was teaching him things he was not ready for.
She found that "direct teaching" was not what Jon needed. What he needed was to interact more with people with anything he could do.
Tell us about times you feel burned- out or discouraged.
Dr. Jim MacDonald

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